Parody on Kamal Haasan’s Political Mindset

by Comrades of India

“The south used to be ruled by Bihari Aryan terrorists like Adi Shankara, who used to teach people that this life is like a movie, and we are simply the audience watching the movie, unaffected by it. Since we oppose Hindu terrorism tooth and nail, we teach people the converse – what happened in our movies happened in real life. This has given immense political benefits to me, Karunanidhi, Prakash Raj, MGR, Jayalalita, Rajinikant… it was only natural that I launched my own political party.”

“What does your party stand for?”

“My party flag has six hands on it – symbolizing the girlfriends of Dravidians from the six states of Dravidistan – Kerala, Tamizh Nadu, Telangana, Karnataka, Andhra Pradesh… and though many think that the sixth hand is for the Union Territory of Puducherry but it actually stands for the submerged subcontinent of Kumari Kandam or Lemuria.”

“What does the red colour and the star in your flag stand for?”

“Oh that assures the people that we are a centrist party.” (He says with a wink, we all laugh)

“In Delhi and other places, our politicians turn out to be excellent actors, for example when Ashutosh cried on a live interview over the farmer suicide, or when Modi said that they will rebuild the Ram mandir and end minority appeasement, but we don’t usually elect actors to political posts – what would you ascribe this north-south divide to?”

“I would ascribe it to the Hindu terrorist Bihari culture that has oppressed the people of Dravidistan and minorities for centuries. For example the Gita saying, “So when the sacred months have passed away, then slay the disbelievers wherever you find them, and take them captive and besiege them and lie in wait for them in every ambush” (Gita 9:5)… obviously if you follow verses like these, you’ll turn into invaders. Unlike the Aryan invaders, in south India, we are all children of Lemuria. Lemuria was of course, named after Lemurs or monkeys who were the original inhabitants of India. I ask all the Lemurians to vote for me, and we will achieve what DMK and AIADMK never could – to create a separate Dravidistan.”

“What makes you think you can achieve what DMK and AIADMK could not in so many years?”

“They didn’t have the advantage I have now – a supremely stupid generation of voters that consider parody pages like Quint, Buzzfeed, Print, Wire… as news, and will eat whatever is fed to them. In our day, we would have to go to places like G.B.Road in Delhi, Shonagachi in Kolkata, Budhwar Peth in Pune, etc. for what we wanted… nowadays youth can simply watch RNDTV from their homes and believe everything they hear. I don’t need to distribute six thousand rupees per person to lakhs of people to win now, I can simply buy off this one person and win over everyone!”

“Isn’t that similar to the Lokpal bill?”

“Exactly. That is why Kejriwal came all the way to support me when I launched my party, I’m sure you remember Kejriwal launched his party promising Lokpal. I am doing it promising regional pride to the Dravidians of Tamizh Nadu. It’s not like Dravidians go around spamming how Tamil is older than and superior to Sanskrit, or how they were the original inhabitants of the entire subcontinent. It’s not like the English media in this country portrays the culture of other states of south India to be diluted forms of Tamizh Nadu’s dravidian culture and stupid Biharis including those in the right wing actually believe the media’s portrayal of south India. It’s not like Tagore decided to represent all of south India with just “Dravida” in the national anthem. We have no representation anywhere, that is why I have entered into politics.”

“Well, Mr Hassan, we all have fond memories of watching your anti brahmin movies and listening to your anti hindu interviews while growing up, and we hope we get more politicians like you in the north as well.”

“Well, perhaps you Biharis should consider electing Salman Khan. We are both actors who cater to the Intellectual class of people, such as the people that watch Big Boss – he has hosted the Bihari version of it, and I will be hosting the Tamizh version of it.”

“We will keep that in mind, Mr Hassan. If you could say something to all your fans in Tamil Nadu and beyond, and if you could convince them to vote for you and not the common enemy – BJP, what would you say?”

“BJP is today fooling people based on the Ram Mandir, tomorrow if we were to destroy Adam’s bridge (which the Biharis call Rama setu), they would fool people about rebuilding that too. At least I am honest about the kind of politics I’m going to play, I am on the side of Truth. Unfortunately today Hindus are starting to think that might is right. I implore all Hindus who believe in Satyameva Jayate to vote for me.”